Why Relational Life Therapy (RLT)?
When I decided to go back to school later in life to get a Masters degree in Mental Health Counseling, I knew I wanted to work with couples as one of my main specialties, and relationships in general. It’s sad to say, my Masters degree did not deliver the goods on relationship counseling - in fact, there was NOT one class offered solely about intimate/romantic relationships. And Marriage and Family Therapy was not offered at my school at the time. I knew I would have to supplement my degree with further education and through certifications. So when I started looking, I found a lot of really great models and material out there - all more current and cutting edge than the existing academic programs. I became interested in attachment theory and came across the work of Sue Johnson, Stan Tatkin, The Gottmans, and many more, as well as the The Developmental Model from The Couples Institute, etc. While I’ve read a lot and taken classes and trainings over the years from these incredible thought leaders, what resonated with me the most was the work of Terrance Real. He is the creator of Relational Life Therapy or RLT, and it spoke to me for so many reasons and on so many levels. Here’s a little bit about why I chose RLT:
Why I Chose to be an RLT-Certified Coach
I am a Coach - I decided to become a Coach so I wouldn’t be restricted to helping people only in my state (licensure is by state) and because coaching spoke more to what I wanted to do with clients (more on that later); and so much of the RLT model is about coaching the client - that is, once we’ve identified what’s not working, I coach clients on what to do differently. It is an active and directive role and a relational one as well - as you collaborate with the clients. Terry Real is bold and one of the bold statements he made that spoke to me was, “I think it’s borderline abusive to tell a client what is wrong, but not show them what right looks like.” I agree! Time and money is valuable and so are the relationships we’re trying to improve and in some cases, save. So this premise spoke to me.
How RLT Therapy and Coaching is Different
The RLT model of therapy or coaching also differs in that they don’t have a goal of neutrality with the couple. That is to say, RLT Therapists and Coaches take sides when and where appropriate. Most problems in marriages/relationships are not 50-50, and to treat them as if they are is codependently placating to the one with the worse behavior (”Blatant”) and not serving or empowering the one who is on the receiving end of that behavior (“Latent”). This was a no-brainer to me. How can you treat a couple on the premise that there is an equal playing field when in all likelihood the lack of equal playing field is what brought them to therapy to begin with? So we connect with both parties by telling the truth about their relational stance/part they play in the dynamic, in a way that lets them know we are on their side (because we are), so we can actually start to change the dynamic.
RLT Sees Your Relationship as an Ecosystem
While there is so much more to say about RLT and Terry Real’s work, I will add this last and very important point. He identifies and names patriarchy as the antithesis to relational well-being. And since patriarchy is the water we swim in, this obvious, yet often overlooked and normalized element that finds its way into most of our love relationships, must be called out, looked at and deconstructed. As he says, you can either choose patriarchy or intimacy, you can’t have both. It sounds like a tall order to go against this powerful cultural grain, but an RLT Therapist or RLT Coach can help show you in practical terms, what that looks like so you can have power with versus power over your partner, which creates a conducive environment for true connection and intimacy to take place, where both partners win because they’ve created a relational ecosystem that allows them both to thrive.